|
"Every year I make a list of New Year's resolutions, and by the end of
January I can't even remember what was on my list."
"I have this great idea
for a book, but I never get around to putting it down on paper."
"Just when
I start moving towards my goals I seem to hit this wall."
Sound familiar?
If you could "just do it" you probably would have done it. If you're strong on
ideas, but perpetually stuck at the starting line, the following tips will help.
• Are you "demand-resistant"?
Therapists define demand-resistance
as having a chronic negative response to obligations or expectations. This is
often unconsious. The person who suffers will make daily lists of things to do,
then grow angry and anxious when it's time to get moving. Unconsciously, he or
she resents anything that smacks of being "told what to do."
In some cases,
even returning a phone call, or asking a friend to dinner is resented because
it's "expected". Pleasurable activities, such as working out at a health club,
or taking a class in Italian cooking, become "shoulds" to be done perfectly or
on a rigid schedule. Work is a burden, and creativity and energy is
blocked.
If you suffer from demand-resistance, you constantly find that you
set goals and sabotage them. You are always angry at yourself, continually
resolving to set goals and stick to them.
The antidote is to keep asking
yourself, "Is this what I really want?" Demand-resistance is often a childhood
response to overly controlling or overly protective parents. As an adult, such a
person always feels vulnerable to being overrun.
The more sure you are of
yourself, the more you work on building a strong sense of who you are, the less
you'll feel like resisting your goals just to prove a point.
• Be
specific about what you want
Change "I want more money," to "I want to
earn $60,000 by December 31, 2004." Revamp "I want to write someday," to "I want
to write forty pages by August."
Keep your goals simple. Too many goals are
overwhelming, a good excuse for doing nothing at all.
• Be suspicious
of your failures
There's an old saying that people vote with their feet.
It means we are exactly where we want to be no matter how much we complain.
Be suspect of any goal you've had for more than five years and haven't
achieved. One man spent more than seven years trying to finish his MBA, dropping
classes, taking extensions on papers, only to discover that he really didn't
want the degree at all.
When you're doing what's close to your heart, it's
easy. Work with your nature. Be suspect of anything that seems too difficult.
People find it easier to blame themselves for laziness than to admit that it's a
difficult process to face up to who we really are and what we really want. It
feels lonely to admit that we might be different from others, that your goals
aren't the same as theirs. Your failures might be your way of protecting
yourself from becoming what you never really wanted to be.
What's your
current goal? Why do you want it so badly? Write two paragraphs answering these
questions. Then convince a friend. Notice any possible resistance coming up. Ask
yourself again "Is this what I really want?"
• Recognize your
fear
Fear is a common response to risk and responsibility. The most
common fears are fear of failure, fear of success or fear of abandonment.
The fear of failure indicates you may need to re-examine past
disappointments. Talking them out in a supportive setting can release them.
A fear of success can often reflect an expectation of rising
expectations--"If I achieve this, people will want more and more from me and
I'll never be able to give them what they want."
Some of us have fears, often
unconscious, of surpassing a parent with our success. A fear of abandonment
reflects a belief that success will be connected with disapproval and loss of
relationships.
• Create momentum
Write down your action steps
with a dateline for completion. Suppose your goal is writing a screenplay. Your
first action step can be something as simple as buying a how-to book. Your next
step might be writing your idea for a movie out in one sentence.
Having one
hundred small steps to one large goal isn't unrealistic. Build in incentives.
Reward yourself for the completion of each action step.
• Gather
support
Let people know what you are trying to do. Don't minimize the
importance of support and reassurance along the way to any goal you set.
• Celebrate
Small successes lend the strength for bigger
ones. Positive reinforcement can do more to reshape you patterns than
self-criticism.
|
If you are ready to Get the Results You Want then I would like to invite
you to set up a consultation with me. I have 5 spots available.
|
|
|
If you are interested in working with Mitch, 
