 |
In over 20 years coaching and counseling thousands of
people there were six questions that kept being asked again and again...
Why can't I relax?
Why is it that nothing
makes me happy for long?
Why do I always compare myself with other
people?
Why can't I achieve the success I desire?
Why can't I find the right person
Why can't I
find meaning in my life?
|
If you related to one or more of these questions, you are not alone.
These are questions that challenge us all.
The nagging, persistent sense
of dissatisfaction that so many people feel in spite of their achievements can
help them identify a purpose that will allow them to follow through on their
dreams. Self-assessment frequently yields six core issues blocking satisfaction:
trust, affirmation, identity, competence, intimacy and purpose. It is good to
take a periodical life inventory a sort of how I'm doing so far look and a list
such as this one, which pertains to these six issues will help you focus on some
specific areas that could escape your attention. Attending to the needs
uncovered by this list can help you live a more fulfilling life by:
 Building a sense
of trust that will allow you to relax and enjoy life.
Recognizing your accomplishments and affirming your
true value.
Avoiding the urge
to compare yourself to others while learning to listen to your own voice.
Becoming emotionally honest
and achieving closeness.
Refusing to doubt your competence so that you can achieve the success
you want.
Identifying a core
purpose that will allow you to follow through on your dreams.
The way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over
molehills.
--Earl Wilson
When you cannot relax, even though a break from
the turmoil of your troubled thoughts is exactly what you need and most desire,
what could be the cause? Usually, the inability to relax is due to one or both
of the following reasons:
This is persistent anxiety that is fueled by heightened
sensitivity to others; hypervigilance is often a result of a childhood in which
there were too many adult responsibilities.
This is the belief that you have to do it all by yourself to get
it done right.
Common symptoms of chronic or persistent anxiety
include a rapid heartbeat, irritability and edginess, upset stomach, sleep
disturbances, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, headaches, muscle aches,
backaches and excessive worry. One criterion of generalized anxiety disorder
according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is
excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation) occurring more days than
not for at least six months, about a number of events or activities (such as
work or school activities).
The key to changing the pattern begins with
awareness. Do you really need to be on guard so much? Is your environment still
threatening? Can you be prepared without being anxiously over-prepared? For your
constant vigilance, you may get an illusion of control, the belief that you are
protecting yourself from risk. These are no small benefits, but the cost is
high.
The key to overcoming your frustration and
dissatisfaction lies in dealing with the underlying issue of trust. Until you
learn to trust, you can never really feel safe. Instead of focusing on more
achievements or protection from failure, you could switch gears and begin to
focus on gaining a sense of connection, learning to ask for help and share
responsibilities.
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow;
it empties today of its strength.
Corrie Ten Boom
Affirmation - the Second
Key
I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for
depressing the other patients.
--Oscar Levant
You may find that worry, frustration and
negativity are frequent companions. Other people point out all the reasons why
you should feel grateful for what you have. Why do you seem to throw happiness
away with both hands?
There's actually a term for this state of mind:
anhedonia. It means the absence of joy, which in fact serves a purpose in your
life. As in most self-defeating patterns, anhedonia was originally a solution to
earlier life problems. Unfortunately, these solutions become ingrained, so we
don't realize that we have choices about such matters.
People who can never stay happy for long may have
a kind of depression, causing eating disorders, trouble concentrating, sleep
disorders and often attempts to live their moods through alcohol or illegal
substances. Although people who have this kind of depression usually do not have
the hopeless sense of despair commonly seen in clinical depression, they have a
great deal of difficulty sustaining any feeling of pleasure. As one man put it,
I just feel flat.
To regain the feeling of being truly alive, to
rebuild a sense of hope, the first thing we have to do is get back in touch with
our emotions and then to express them. You have a right to enjoy your own life,
to feel alive, to have a vision and the energy to go after it. But if your
persistent case of the blues is never dispelled and is always a major part of
your life, take it to a therapist who can help you determine its origin.
Worrying about trying to protect oneself from
future loss will never be enough for two reasons:
When and if it comes, you
will still feel the pain. You can't avoid it no matter how prepared you are.
Trying to avoid joy so that it won't be followed by a disappointment just means
you'll be unhappy when you succeed and unhappy when you are disappointed.
If you are constantly comparing yourself to
others, and the comparisons make you miserable, why do you do it? The number one
reason people compare themselves with others is because our culture encourages
such comparative thinking. However, there are definitely some other reasons why
some people get stuck so deeply that they never feel happy with themselves or
their lives. Some of those are:
- Growing up with a family secret that makes you
feel different from everyone else.
- Competing in school environments that had little
tolerance for average or below-average performance.
- Growing up in a family that discounted your
needs and feelings.
- Being influenced by advertising that constantly
encourages us to compare ourselves with the richest, brightest and most
beautiful people.
The results of comparison thinking are often
either guilt or shame. Guilt signifies, I did something wrong. I have violated
my values. Shame implies, I feel there is something wrong with me. To have shame
as an identity is to believe that one's being is flawed, that one is defective
as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic
and dehumanizing.
The comparison thinker can always find someone
better to compare himself/herself against. The practice of always comparing
oneself with others usually becomes there's never enough thinking. Stay tuned! We'll cover the next three
keys next issue. To order, click on the
books.
|
 For
the last five years I have been working primarily on
marketing, but recently I have been coaching
clients on the Six Keys and how they hold people back
from playing big and achieving the success and happiness
they desire. if you are interested in working
on breaking through some of your underlying barriers
to success, contact me at mitch@gmarketingcoach.com
or (480)718-5939 for a complimentary consultation.
|
|
|
