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In over 20 years coaching and counseling thousands of
people there were six questions that kept being asked again and again...
Why can't I relax?
Why is it that nothing
makes me happy for long?
Why do I always compare myself with other
people?
Why can't I achieve the success I desire?
Why can't I find the right person
Why can't I
find meaning in my life?
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If you related to one or more of these questions, you are not alone.
These are questions that challenge us all.
The first three Keys, Trust, Affirmation and Identity
were covered in last
week's newsletter. Today we pick up
with Key Four.
If you want a place in the sun, you must leave
the shade of the family tree.
--Osage saying
Although there may be no direct cause and effect,
there are two types of situations that appear to sap motivation early on. These
are (1) overparenting, or having controlling parents who see their children as
extensions of themselves, and (2) underparenting, or having neglectful or
abusive parents.
If you find you can't move forward toward your
goals, you may suffer from demand resistance and a subconscious sense of
entitlement, caused from overparenting. For example, if you make daily lists of
things to do, which you seldom complete, you are being demand resistant. You may
be the only one who will suffer if you don't take your car in to be serviced,
but you still resent doing it and never quite find time for it. These kinds of
things occur because you hate being told what to do, even when you're the one
giving the orders. Sometimes you avoid having to engage in active types of
conflict, promising to do something but never following through on the promise.
Withholding what another requests of you allows you to assert your power.
Some people who had neglectful or abusive parents
are filled with panic because of the necessity of asserting themselves. The
reason is that those people may have never had any support for taking such
stands; consequently, they struggle with a lack of faith in their own beliefs.
It is important to understand that you may
habitually perceive all tasks as demands, either on your time or your
confidence. To create the success you want in life, it is essential that you
disarm your demand resistance, so you can move freely toward achieving the goals
you set for yourself.
Intimacy
- The Fifth
Key
The space for what you want is already filled
with what you settle for instead.
--Stephan C. Paul
Children of unavailable or absent parents often
become adults who need constant reassurance. They may spend their lives
compulsively trying to overcome the early identities given to them by their
families by striving desperately to prove that they are good enough. But, at the
same time, they are incapable of trusting another person's willingness to love
them. Most often, however, the penchant for impossible relationships is a cover
for a deep ambivalence about being intimate with anyone at all.
We are not human beings trying to be
spiritual. We are spiritual beings trying to be human.
--Jacquelyn Small
Spiritual leaders often teach that each of us
comes into the world to learn and to accomplish certain things. When we are in
synch with that purpose, we are closest to fulfillment. Sometimes we have a
sense of that purpose. Sometimes we lose sight of it. Sometimes we are
completely unaware of what our purpose is. When we struggle to find meaning in
our lives and it continues to elude us, the chances are good that it's because
of one of the following reasons:
- Feeling a sense of scarcity rather than a sense
of abundance.
- Having grown up in a family that groomed one for
a lifestyle that is not what you would have chosen for yourself.
- Lacking empathy, validation and support.
- Fearing to look within.
A sense of scarcity is like a filter through
which we view everything. It's not necessarily reality. However, it is a way to
protect ourselves from risk and disappointment. In truth, it often limits us to
a life that is somewhere in the middle between happiness and unhappiness,
usually described as steady and stable.
Whether you call it a rite of passage, a mid-life
crisis or a spiritual awakening, most of us arrive at a time in our lives when
we begin to question everything we do and what meaning it has. Those of us who
followed a path laid out for us by someone else sometimes begin to feel angry or
ashamed. Did we just take the easy way out? Were we pushed too hard into places
we didn't want to go? In any case, it isn't too late. Awareness is the first
step. It doesn't matter so much how you got on the path but whether you feel
fulfilled or empty.
If exploring yourself to find your true purpose
means that much of the foundation upon which you've built your life is shaky and
must be replaced, some of you will avoid doing it. You need to have enough
support to feel strong enough to cope with the answer.
When you become clear about what you want to
happen in your life, and you begin to really believe it can happen, your
enthusiasm may win over the people who are not supportive. If not, perhaps you
are the person who, by example, teaches everyone around you that there is a
bigger, more meaningful picture. That, in itself, may be your highest purpose.
Whether you know it or not, your sense of purpose
is there. Each one of us has a unique talent and a unique way of expressing that
talent. Put another way, there is something each one of us can do better than
anyone else. What are your unique gifts?
You may have developed a sense of entitlement,
expecting the world to cater to you, causing you to have trouble giving to
others. If this is true of you, however your history may have shaped you, one of
the most purposeful experiences in life the experience of contributing is
missing.
Perhaps you have never even identified your gifts
because you are too focused on the future and its perils. If your failing is
being unable to stay focused in the present, you may ask yourself, Is there
something I'm running from? Is there something ahead I need to deal with? Do you
feel you'll lose something if you decide that you will be only here, in this
moment, and nowhere else? You might want to decide to deal with those issues
squarely, once and for all, and finally let them go. As the saying goes, It may
be better to lose our minds and come to our senses.
You are a child of God; your playing small
doesn't serve the world.
--Nelson Mandela
Here are some positive affirmations you can say
to yourself.
- Today I will start on the journey to my dreams.
- It doesn't matter where I'm coming from; it
matters where I'm going.
- I have a right to define and develop my unique
path in life.
- I can be appreciated for being myself.
- Giving to others is giving to myself.
- I have an important voice, and the right to
express it.
- I am a channel for God's work.
- I can have everything I want if I help enough
other people to get what they want.
- I trust in the process of life. I know that
Divine wisdom and guidance will protect me at all times.
To order, click on the
books.
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If you are interested in working
on breaking through some of your underlying barriers
to success, contact me at mitch@gmarketingcoach.com
or (480)718-5939 for a complimentary consultation.
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